Please just get me to the car

its always like this.
Im moving through life. Im doing fine. Probably not amazing I’m probably not beaming, not dancing on air.
But im standing
im moving.
and then im huddled on the floor of my mind. Suddenly the world is spinning around me and all im thinking is get a grip. Hold it together. please don’t cry.
Not here.
Not now.
Not in this grocery store, not at this party, not during this interview. Please just get me back to the car, back to the house, just hold on until I can sit down.
Alone.
Away.
Safe.
It is always sudden. And you would think by now it wouldn’t be – id hear its footsteps, feel its presence, before. Before it took over. But no. it takes me by surprise every single time. There are triggers. I know there are triggers and I know the names and faces of many of them. But they change so often and so quickly that its hard to keep a complete catalog of them. And they aren’t always triggers. Some days I honestly can eat like a normal person. Relatively speaking.
I don’t eat like a normal person. Ever. I am aware of that.
But some days I am better. and im given to believe that those somedays always possess the possibility of becoming everydays. So if I can sanely eat a piece of chocolate a day for 5 days in a row I suddenly believe that this is how it will be. That I am ok with chocolate. We’ve become friends. we’ve made our peace. And then on day 6 I eat the rest of the bag in 10 mins and end up on a bathroom floor crying. And in a pool of tears and rage and hatred for being so nieve, I berate myself for falling once again into foods trap.
Food and I are not friends- we will never be friends. Especially not a food such as chocalote. Or bread, or ice cream. And obviously if you’ve a problem with bulimia perhaps it is a good idea to stay away from chocolate, or bread, or ice cream.
And I do.
Most of the time. Or least most of the time that I can feel the restless energy burning inside of me. I can tell a lot of the time when im ok and when im not- ive learned through the years how to tell whats bubbling beneath the surface. I generally know safe and unsafe foods. And there are times when they stay within their determined catagories and I stay within mine. Safe/ unsafe. Sane/ insane. And when everybody is categorized and contained me and food can function somewhat well. As long as I stay in the sane colomn and only eat from the safe column we’re all ok. But even if I start on sane one taste of unsafe can thrown me across the room. Some days it isn’t that way. Some days I am so locked into the sane category I can eat a piece of chocolate and not be knocked around. Some times even for 5 days in a row. But if on day six I wake up with even one unnoticed toe curiously pointing over the line, testing, tasting- then the first bite will send me over the edge.
So maybe- maybe I just shouldn’t eat from the unsafe side? Even if I could get over the bleak forcast for a lifetime of meals lacking all dairy, wheat, fat, and sugar it still wouldn’t work.
Because they switch sides too.
Things that are safe one day are precariously dangerous the next. Today it was popcorn. 98% fat free popcorn. Popcorn and I are normally ok. But today as I stood and stared at the ile my mind got caught in the mosaic of boxes. it sent out a warning. I thought nah its just my old friend popcorn. But as I put it in the cart my chest seised. The world got wobbly.
Suddenly.
Always suddenly.
I could feel the tears welling up- the familiar internal voice‘’just hold it together’.
I couldn’t take it out, I couldn’t put it back. I don’t know if its because im stubborn or because I have immense authority issues even when the authority is myself, but sometimes, a lot of times in this situation I cant back down. Cant put the raisin bran, the dried pineapple, the 98% fat free popcorn back. Because its not fair, its not right, because damn it it was in the safe category yesterday. Yesterday I could have eaten the popcorn and been fine. (well relatively) yesterday I would not be almost crying in the grocery store. So why are you fucking with me today?!
Yesterday I chewed gum and held back tears while everyone ate cake around me. Cake that smelled fucking delicious by the way. So haven’t I earned this? I held it together in a situation that made sense. I understood yesterday and I made a choice and I stood up like a big girl and chose to do what should have made me healthier. More mentally stable. And now? Now im standing in a grocery store with the walls spinning around. Im picturing myself giving up huddling in the grocery cart. Im trying not to cry. Really? Fucking really? This is what I get? This is what I get even when I exert all of the self control in the world? This is what I get 12 hours later?! I get berated and I get abused and…fucking traitors.
The popcorn.
My mind.
I thought I was ok today. But this? Come on really? And mike’s asking if im ok and im standing in line burrowing my face into his shoulder. And hes paying for the popcorn and the diet soda and his dinner. And we’re walking out the door and my legs don’t want to hold me up. Don’t want to move anymore. im picturing myself huddled in the cart with him pushing me through the parking lot. And I’m mentally taking to myself in an all too familiar voice- Please don’t cry, hold it together. Please, just get me to the car.