Argue with my body

When its hard I argue with my body- why wont you just do what I ask? And my body in turn agrues violently back- why are you trying to steal my substance? I push harder rougher my stomach clenches tighter ----my body trying to resist an act that it knows will kill it if performed well and often enough. I once ate an entire box of donuts. I sat down on my grey bedroom rug and shoved the donuts one by one into my mouth. This is done, obviously, without tasting or enjoying them- sometimes pushing the huge chunks so far back into your mouth that the taste buds don’t even have their chance at them. These are the times that it comes up easy- the times when your body helps the process along. Your stomache no more wants to keep a dozen donuts than it wants to give up the measly everyday ‘meals’ I so often ask it to. You learn over the years the things that come up easy and the things that don’t. the tricks and whatnot. I often think that what im doing is normal- that any sane woman trying to keep her weight in check would throw up if they realized it was a valid option. Who doesn’t do countless things in their day that make them scream internally ‘redo! I need a redo! Go back 10 mins and lets do that one over’ And what rational person wouldn’t grab the option to take those things back? This is my redo- this is my time out- go back- start things over again. Its both an apology to myself (sorry I lost control for a min there just give me a sec and ill fix it) and a punishment for doing it wrong in the first place. There are two basic ways I throw up and both are very different in almost every way except the general outcome. Over the years I have learned how to use my stomach? muscles to push up? Out? From the inside. Its clean. Its quick. Its quiet. It doesn’t make your eyes red and your face stained with tears and snot. Because of this It has the added advantage of not making you feel totally crazy and out of control. This method has in the past decade become as natural as peeing for me. This is why I disconnect it from being a disease. You don’t think theses anything wrong with peeing right- something went into your body that it doesn’t need so it gets rid of it. I’m certain my body doesn’t need that extra few hundred calories. This is the appology its easy and quick and painless. Sometimes it doesn’t work that way though- sometimes for whatever reason my body doesn’t want to give up that roll or apple or candy. Sometimes it just resists. That’s when it gets messy. And painful. And dangerous. I may joke about my eating disorders, I may be flippant about it in passing but its horrible and humiliating and painful on that bathroom floor. No rational person would take fingers covered in half digested food and stick them into their mouth. No rational person would wipe their nose with the back of their hand and then stick it- snot covered- into their mouth (I have tried to stop this since recently realizing that the fact that I have had a cold for nearing 6 months may be partially due to this practice). No rational person would realize they are constricting their airway and stop for a second move over a bit and continue to do whatever activity it was that left them gasping for air in the first place. No. no rational person is present when I wage these wars against myself. Things that used to stop me cold I now shake off quickly or barely even notice in the first place. I don’t throw up until I bleed (often) or force myself into dry heaves as I have heard some girls do. But I continue through pain that would have stopped me cold years ago. Choking is only a momentary setback. Dizziness only a reason to hold on. I have gotten used to seeing the girl in mirror before I wash up- red eyed, tearstreaked, snot and food plastered to her face. I wash her away and think- patetic. All the while contemplating what else I can eat next. You see- the second way only comes after a snap- a breaking point into a spell that is hard to get out of. Sometimes I throw up 6, 8, a dozen times a day the first way. I throw up this way at work, friends houses, in public bathrooms, while on the phone with people. Some days I do it close to every time I go into a bathroom. As natural as peeing. But the second way, the second way being partially a punshment is unnatural and angry and harsh. It’s a fuck you to my body- you wont be- wont do what I want? We’ll see about that.